See, to whomever who has read or reads this blog, I've really no idea what it is that I could possibly provide to you. I know my mother and my close friends read this because they want to know how I'm doing, what I'm up, how things are over here and such... but to those that I, personally, know that read this - we talk, and you know exactly how I'm doing and how is life in much more detail than what you'd be able to find in a blog. To those others, I really don't know what I could offer...
See, blogging it's such a bizarre concept to me. I read blogs for information, I find blogs when googling specific information - I've found plenty of blogs when searching on how to get to the Korean mountains and to find recommendations on what to do in a specific place I'd be visiting. And to those people that do it and do it right, hats off and kudos. But those blogs have a very specific purpose.. a very specific theme, let's leave it at that. A theme, yes.
I don't really know what my theme is. I think I did want it to be something when I first committed to this blog. Maybe it was to keep an online diary... to force myself to write, to try to improve on my voice. Maybe it was vanity. Doesn't it always have a hint of vanity? Anything really that has to do with social media... look at what I'm doing? How can I edit it to make it look better, to make it look exactly like I experienced it, because a camera never captures it? How can I make my experiences seem relate able? Maybe it was because I thought it was a good idea at the time...
Truth is, I can't find myself too motivated to write. I've kept weekly to do lists and every week I note to try to write on the blog. Why? I've got nothing really important to say - and it's not like I have nothing to say. I just... it's nothing worth putting out there, you know?
I've found myself really distracted lately... distracted from the moment. I keep occupying myself with thoughts and plans on how to deal with the future that's coming, on what to write about...
And that's the thing... I've never really been this conscious of what to write. It's never been something that plagues me this much. In my notebooks I write about sunsets, I write about nature and about mountains a lot. I write about people who inspire me. About my experiences. I do tend to bitch a lot too. And I've always thought that bitching is better left outside of a public area. But see... here's where I find myself conflicted.
I try to write about my experiences, about things that happen in my life that fill me with joy, with awe, with fear and excitement and with inspiration. I want to write about the places I've been and how they've affected me. But see, I'm finding it difficult to really express these things and experiences in a public space. I mean, my experiences are not by any means unique - I don't think. Living and teaching abroad isn't something that hasn't been done before, blogging about living, traveling and teaching abroad is done extensively. Yet, each person experiences everything so differently, so uniquely that... it's hard to really comprehend and relate, isn't it? I mean, I really don't know what I mean.
Let's back up.
The best example I can think of is how... no matter how much I tell someone how shitty my job is, or how insanely amazing it is that this place is surrounded by mountains, I never quite feel like I get my message across. But I do - see, people know that my job is shitty and that I love mountains. But I am not convinced that I do it justice. I think that's it. I'm afraid of not doing my own experiences justice.
And that's not what is important.
I'm doing this for me.
That's it, isn't it? I've got it.
